31 May 2011- Day 11

Dearest lover of mine

I have gone to seek love elsewhere but I was disappointed over and over again. I have reached out into the dark, hoping to grab onto something substantial, but nothing, no clarity, just more confusion and silence. A silence so deafening it is depressing. So why do I always choose something or someone over you? Why is there this mirage in the distance that disappoints me so but yet I crawl to it with a thirst that cannot be quenched?  I know I have heard it a million times, only You, only You can satisfy my thirst!! How did she do it, the woman at the well? She just turned form her wicked ways, it sounds crazy but yet I choose an idol over you. Is it not normal to want the customary things in life? My lover I ask of you to show me that overflowing love that is beyond my understanding, bigger than I have ever seen, spoil me, hold me, love me with a love I have never felt before!! Fulfil me, consume me so. Do not let anything come between our love for each other, no distraction, no mirage or shadow build from a fantasy in my mind, but take my face in your hands, let my dove eyes fall on you. Let the tenderness indulge me; let my body only yearn for only you, for I love you, I do. Let me not move out of this place, for I only have eyes for you!!

                                   

my Lord, my Saviour, my Lover, my Friend

Forever Yours

                                                                       

Silma

xxx

30 May 2011- Day 10

2 months bench mark…..a man shows his true colours within 2 months ladies!!! Get to know him as a friend for at least 2 months before you “fall in love”.

What is Love? is it Romeo and Juliet love or is it Paul’s love chapter in Corinthians love?

Love is patient, kind, it is NOT jealous or boastful or proud. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through any circumstance. If only Romeo had these qualities. Did he really think about Juliet’s reputation or what is best for her, when all he wanted was this beautiful 13 year old girl? What they felt was not love. The word love has been misused and tossed around for generations. We love as much as we love chocolate or camping. All the expressions are there but so many give up in a relationship as soon as things do not go the way they want it to go. Is that Love? Love is not selfish, rude, does not seek its own, and is not provoked; love does not fail…..

We get confused with love and infatuation…..

LOVE	INFATUATION
Conscious choice	Unexpected
An action	Accidently
Way of life	Butterflies and intense attraction
Always feels good, alone or in relationship	Feel good when affections are returned in kind
Feelings good or bad still in it. Loving that person in the middle of a fight….	Mostly concerned about feelings – if it feels good it’s okay, bad I am out of here
Direction of love outward	Direction of love is inward
Everlasting	Temporary
It stands alone depending on nothing for survival	Depends on reciprocation to survive
Is an imitation of God	Recognition of our attraction for the opposite sex

Infatuation is a natural reaction, so the feeling is not wrong, it is how we use it, is it blinding us to see reality or are we so dependent on affection that we would take anything and make excuses for all the wrongs. It is possible that we miss the warning signs. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to someone; we must just handle that attraction responsibly without giving in to desires and recklessness. Wisdom is the key word and with the help of your friends, family and God we can take time to get to know the other person, to understand his/her values, personality and character as objective as possible then the time will come to be swept up into a mutual attraction.

If you do not have a BIG love in your life yet and you have a lot of love to give, for now just direct your love to others. We received love freely so that we can love freely. A godly character is to love those around you, an outgoing concern for others, make it part of who you are so that it will define you in the eyes of those around you. Love is not just to direct to one individual but to everyone around you. Staying infatuated you will want to please yourself now!!! But love, love is becoming more like Yahweh.

27 May 2011- Day 8

I have a heart for the Lord. I have a lifestyle of devotion. I want to be the best daughter I can be, but I make mistakes, almost every day I slip up. Feeling guilty use to be a huge burden I carried until the Lord said: It is not about making mistakes Silma, it is about learning and not doing them again, it is about growth and slowly stepping away from every habitual sin, little by little every day. It is the fact that you have never given up!” I do get up and try again, again and again. I have fallen many times in the last 6 years but I got right back up……

That is what it is all about is it not? Not giving up this discipline of living only for Jehovah. You know I have a choice today to either fight it or embrace it, pride will tell me that I am ready now, but pride will eventually fall of his horse. I am not ready. God has to deal with a few more things before I am ready to enter into a healthy godly marriage and I am willing to learn because I want to be best I can be for God and my husband one day.

The focus will turn away from me now the next 7 months and I want to focus it on the Lord. I want to bless Him for what He has done in my life. Maria, I can relate with, 7 demons, shame this poor girl did not live in the North, she would have had much more than that to deal with. Lol Well I can tell you this from where I came from I make her look like a hotdog stand in comparison, but you know what? I am free and it is all because of Him. I have never known myself the way I do now, I use to be scared and anxious all the time, even driving somewhere was traumatic for me for years; I threw myself into an amazing business, hiding behind success so nobody would see how scared I really was. satan destroyed my innocence through pain, abuse and rejection and God washed it all away. Today I am new. God has given me a second change to have the life I was promised.

I want to give back and show Him how much I love Him the next 7 months. Blessing Him by sitting at His feet and taking in all He has for me…JUST BECAUSE I LOVE HIM.

26 May - Day 7

I am in a tug war every minute of the day. One side I have a voice saying you wasting time, this is ridiculous, on the other side I have a voice saying first fruit….I am sufficient enough.

This is all on purpose….

I need to get alone with God, become more “others” focussed, and I am just self-centered and consumed by my own situation. God’s purpose is bigger than my little drama. God is a God of purpose and this time spent waiting, resting in Him is not time wasted. Waiting is hard because it is work, but waiting works. In this waiting God is going to work inside of me and accomplish His purpose.

Enjoying the process….

God is saying over and over just wait. Wait a little longer. Off course we get frustrated, if Mc Donald’s can do it under 5min why can’t my Lord? No I have to fall in love with my Father so much that I loos sight of the outcome. Waiting is surely not being passive, I discover so much in those times, I learn about myself. I am a goal-orientated person it is all about the goal, right? Come on girls am I alone here? Everyday I realize that Dad is about the process and not the goal.

I am can be so goal-orientated that miss what God has for me today. No but I will be happy when I am married and have more kids, but what about today? Am I wishing my life away and not taking everything out of today that I need? Clearly God is trying to tell me there is so much today that I want to show you!!

You see what happens is when I am focussed on the outcome, I want to rush through the process to get there, just to say “okay I did it that; it is done what is next?” Come one lets not loose time here, life clock is ticking! but the Lord is just asking that I would just sit down with Him, don’t miss Me, Silma

Abraham and Sarah waited 25years for their baby, during that time God worked inside of them; it is not a cosmic “take-a-number-thing”. God does not give a promise and says: “I will check in on you in 25 years from now, cool cheers” That is not my God – He is a man of detail…… 

25 May 2011 - Day 6

A love letter

You are the perfect husband, my Lord

I have everything I need

I have a house, in the most beautiful farmland

Framed by a river that lulls me to sleep

You make me glow

When confused and faced with choices

You point me in the right direction

When there is no way out and I am scared

You are right next to me,

You are tender; you are all the comfort I need

I do not have to be strong anymore

Because you are the wisdom I need

I do not have to be afraid anymore

Because I am not alone

You prepare the most romantic meal for me

You speak highly of me and bless me

For all my “x’s” too see

You deluge me with beautiful gifts

You shower me with expensive perfume

Your unconditional love pursue me everyday

And for the rest of my being

….and here I live forever

Based on Ps 23

24 may 2011 Day 5

…today is one of those days where my thoughts are overwhelmed with questions of “why?” Why do bad things happen to good people? Why have I not met “him” yet? Why is it so hard? Why can God not just make it work for me now? Why am I not good enough? Why am still single?

Okay, admittedly I am throwing a tantrum today…..

God always uses my son to show me how He works.

He’s dad and I throw my little tantrums. He’s the parent and He knows what is better. He knows what is good for me and what not, so sometimes He takes away from me because it is bad. Sometimes He allows me to go through it because I need to learn for myself the same way we are with our kids. We do not want them to get hurt. I know that God does not want me to hurt like this…

I read that He even captures every tear in a bottle. I imagine I have a store room up there in the left wing of heaven especially marked “Silma’s tears”.  So I have done my fair share of fulfilling scripture right there, but I cannot loose hope. I need to hold on to the fact that all this is not for nothing; that the timing will be perfect and knowing my dad, that He will not be late. That is all I have! If I cannot do that, then why am I a Christian, and why am I praying to someone if there is not hope behind it?

I started making lists after every relationship in order to see what I needed to learn from it so that I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again, So far so good. I have successfully not made the same mistakes. Now I just need to stop looking for the right man and work on being the right woman.

So here I am carrying on… walking (I can’t run at the moment) the race… because I need to finish.

Monday 23rd of May

Day 4

since I decided to go on the love fast, I have had an "x" make contact. He asked me out and proceeded to add that he has a girlfriend but coffee is harmless…...

Girls, did his question even justify a response???!!!

Well here goes my first example of male disaster... Christian men.

Dating Christian men has been more traumatic for me than dating men of the world. My girlfriend, lets call her Lindi, and I had a fat conversation about men who are in the church today. Surely they will understand what real dating  is all about.

No, rather they use Christianity to get what they want. Hopefully not all of them, but my experience says they just do not step up to be the men we need and expect Christian men to be.

My very first boyfriend after my divorce seemed so real; almost unbelievable. He loved the Lord, went on retreats, had a good job (he said he was one of 4 directors of a company). He was good looking... well as time passed it seemed odd that I was paying for everything. He always needed money, and then one day he sold his shares in the company and wanted to come live with me and work with me in my company. How convenient. It took me two months to realise he has nothing, all of it was a lie, he needed someone to take care of him financially and I was a soft target. I just did not want to see it in the beginning. It seemed so amazing, my first Christian boyfriend. Me paying for myself in this self sufficient, I can stand on my own, woman culture. I mean, is that not what we do now, pay for ourselves? He always seemed to have forgotten his wallet and would “pay me back”...

Girls advice: he is in it for the money. He made me feel good, he was tender, but had a plan behind it.... and wait for the shocker. He later wanted to convince me that it is okay if we sleep together before we get married because we are dedicated to each other now and we are planning on getting married. He even used scripture.. Mary and Joseph never actually got married, he said, they were married in their hearts....blah, blah blah. The funny thing is when we are in love we fall for these things. It seems ridiculous now, but not when you are emotional and being romanced!

I have learned from this.... girls let him pay for your coffee and if he doesn’t, there may be something wrong because you are so worth it!!!! And seriously if a coffee is going to break the bank, don't even go there. Do not lower your standards. Let him pay, if he knows he needs to look after you from the beginning you have set the standard but if you pay for yourself he will understand that... she is independent, cheap and reliable.... don't be a tire girls. Be a woman who knows her worth!!!!!!!

...Monday

Watch this space...will share some past relationship experiences...some may sound VERY familiar lol

It is day 1...

20 May - Day 1

This is the first day of the biggest decision in my life. I have decided to go on a FAST. Not just any FAST… I love Fast.

Here is a little exercise of faith and trust. Why can we trust God with everything else, but are terrified of letting Him choose a husband for us? Is it not the most important decision you’ll ever need to make???!!!!
I am letting go and asking the Lord to take it..... I am going to trust the man behind the promise. He has never failed me… maybe not delivered when I wanted it to happen but, He has never said “please, I am too tired”. He has never said “I am sorry, but I really do not have time for this now” or insulted me. He has never criticised me or called me names, never abused me or kept me waiting.....
Come walk this journey with me and let’s see what Jehovah has up his sleeve. ;-)