The truth

Some of you are probably wondering what happened to the love vast. I did publicly announce a vast from men and then got engaged, here is my story.....

 Since last year May I have started dating again after vasting from men for 3 years.  My first boyfriend I had, I tried to convince myself that this must be it. I was faithful for 3 years surely I need a reward now; my impatience caused me so much hurt and disappointment, looking back now I tried to pray him into being the right person. I expected things from him that was unfair because he had his own journey with the Lord. After a 4 months relationship trying to mould him into this perfect picture of a husband for me, he packed up over night and disappeared, do you blame him? If God is not in it there is nothing we can do to convince God that I can make it work, human ability will just mess it up and I did.

I met a worship leader in church straight after that and knew he was not it, but needed to have someone through the Christmas time. A total rebellion decision and yes I had a wobbly, thought I can ignore God because it was entirely His fault that my relationship did not work out. Yes we are quick to blame God for our mistakes, but it soon showed that throwing a tantrum with the Lord does not get you anywhere, you end up making things worse and you find yourself in bad circumstance. This man was so negative, he was angry at everybody, when we went for coffee he would be upset about where we sat, who served us, how the coffee tasted, that the sun was too bright. He screamed at everyone in the car while driving, upset with the neighbours, even the cat got it. It was so depressing to be in his company that I could not take it anymore and surrender to the Lord...Okay Lord I know, I am sorry.

Christmas passed and new years, then I met a pilot, he had money, not so close in His relationship with the Lord, he drank and smoked, not the ultimate best that God has for me, we hanged out allot...for a pilot, (12 days in two months) at least he was not angry at everything. Although I knew he was not the one I felt like Mother Theresa that could help this poor man to get closer with the Lord, I can hear you , no Silma not again, but yes I went there, tried to show him by the way I lived that he would change. Did it work? Of course not!!!!!!

A month later I went for coffee with a man, leaving the meeting he contacted me 4 times, he knew that  I was the one. I remember crying at my friend’s house saying; this is not the one. He pursued me, even made promises in the name of the Lord. I thought there was something wrong with me because I did not feel the same but I forced it, it must be right if he is getting scripture, he was planning our whole wedding, surprised he did not pick out a dress for me as well, but deep, deep inside I had turmoil. I was confused about my happiness and the Lord was silent. I prayed and begged for an answer. Two months later the Lord answered. “Break into loud and joyful song for you have more children now being desolate than being married. You will soon burst at your seams.” It was the answer that I was waiting for, begging for and the Lord answered.

After that I decided that is it!!!! My heart has been thrown all over the place. Although I have not been sexually intimate with any of these men it still affected me and hurt me so much. There was a soul tie that was created just by sharing my thoughts and pains and desires with these men. So I made a choice. I need to vast from men again, run away from them and just feel sorry for myself and teach other woman on my blog what to look out for. All this could not be for nothing, all these lessons that I so deeply regretted.

Then the Lord spoke again. His intention for me was not to run away and hide in a vast, why was I making decisions without consulting my daddy again. God wanted to move me into a new place and I was hiding from it, why would God want to bless me after I have messed up so much and got involved in so many bad circumstances? But I listened this time, I was obedient and then it happened I met him, the one that was intended for me. This amazing man that is so much more than what I expected.  It was so easy from the start; we just melted together, made for each other by God.

No matter what you did or how many times you messed up, stay faithful, keep the hope, do not stop trying  your best.

It is GRACE